I’ve Always Longed For Adventure

so, some minor family drama this week.  nothing i want to mention just yet (funny, i know, as i uncharacteristically spilled my guts the other day) but whatevs.  not built in a day, i suppose.

i really need a plan.  a real one. and not one that i concoct so that i will have something to tell people when they ask so that they will still like me, but one that gets me somewhere that will (fingers crossed) be a place that i like.   that is the plan.  to pick a goal and make a plan to get there and stop sugar-coating it and throwing shaddows b/c i want to be what i imagine others expect.  god, i sound so co-dependant.  i always assume that people are judging me much more harshly than i judge them.  weird.  that’s gotta stop.  i’ll add it to the plan.  i’ll keep you posted.

over and out.

well, if hannah’s been a bad blogger, i’ve been monstrous.  haven’t felt like i had anything to blog about, which is weird cause things happened.  i could have reflected on them here, as originally intended.  let me sum up:

after a weird incedent between me and my best friends and my parents, i decided to move home for the summer and probably fall. not so much a big deal, right? i knew that it wasn’t like anyone was trying to get rid of me, and i got to hear a sentence which i’d been bleeding to hear without even knowing it: “we just want you to be happy; we could never be disapointed in you”- thanks, mom and papa.  i am working on internalizing that.  estimated time of completion: 2020.  ha. so that will be one neurosis down.  now i have no idea what to do with myself, as i don’t really know what i want out of me, but i guess it’s better than some masquerade designed for parent/family/friend/general viewing audience approval.  coping with my desperate need not to feel like everyone i admire thinks i’m a loser which probably translates to my need not to feel like i think i look like a loser.  workin on it.

so, i came home.  got to see the fam and my brother and spend real time talking to my parents which is great.  have read some really great books and seen some pretty good movies and worked a lot.  all good.

also decided that i needs must give up on a toxic, hurtful friendship, so i did that, too.  i thought that it would be hard and hurt and linger because he was such a good friend to me and had always been there for me and ‘what-if-noone-else-ever-thinks-i’m-as-great-as-he-does?’ bullshit.  when i really let myself think long and honestly about it, i discovered that not only was he not a good friend, but that he was, in fact, a selfish bum who never missed an opportunity to let me down, all the while leaving me with the impression that i’d done the down-letting! i am not a bad person for holding out for a good man. and i shall keep telling myself that until i don’t feel bad and no longer want to keep his “affection” as some kind of self-validation (which, i know, is sick and mean and makes me a bad person! i’m woking on that, too!)  anyhow, enough of that.

i’ve also been kind of a shitty friend this summer. i keep catching myself not being there for everyone else, and flaking out, but it’s how i roll when i’m feeling broken, so i’m sorry, guys.  you are all better friends than i deserve, and i know it, and i’m grateful.  mos def.  i thought that as i got older, it would become easier to let people in, to let my shortcomings show.  quite the opposite, in fact (i bet you can guess- i’m working on it!)

blech. i sound so self-loathing.  it’s not quite as bad as all that, so never fear.  promise to be less emo next update, which will not be in 4 months!!

current soundtrack: mike doughty, hanson, justin nozuka, spring awakening, the spill canvas. . .

up next on my bookshelf: A Madman Dreams of Turing Machines by Janna Levin

current catchphrase: Boom! Roasted.

can i just say: ‘thank god for february being nearly over!!’? it truly is the monday of the year, and it definitely upheld it’s reputation this year.  congratulations, february, you douche, you’ve retained your title as ‘the month i’d most like to just hibernate through’.  hats off.

anyhoo, it wasn’t all bad.  i got to hang out with hal and dannie and jake a lot, and reed some, and that was nice.  i got a pretty cute, semi-terrifying haircut (i’m still in shock from the hair-loss. it’s a lot like blood-loss. shut up, it is!)  i learned how to download torrents, to disasterous and wonderful results.  i read a really good book (Fool by Chistopher Moore. and if you’re looking for someone smart and funny who is writing things worth reading, look no further, fools! he’s hilarious).  had some minor weather-related breakdowns (did i mention that i am physically sick of winter??)  i got to see Coraline in 3d with hal (it was extremely good and visually gorgeous. would have been a nearly perfect movie-going experience had it not been for the nightmare-before-christmas-fan-weirdies all over the place.  that’s not nice. some of them may not have been weirdies, but experience  doesn’t lead me to believe it).  got to hear from nate a couple times (he sounds happy and busy)  we’ve been apartment shopping for the fall and it seems that we may have found one that will work, so after everyone checks the contestants out next week, we’ll most likely be signing a lease. all to the good.

have i not been myself lately? that’s the word on the street.  i guess i’m not usually introspective enough to have noticed.  it was a rough january for me.  i’ve just felt very far away from my family, and it was SO cold here and i sure didn’t get enough sunshine and until recently i was feeling badly about hurting a friend’s feelings (let myself be made to feel guilty about looking before i leaped, taking advice from my best friends and doing the right thing. what kind of sucker am i, exactly??) maybe it all wore me down a bit.  i’ll have to work a little harder to chin-up.  morose doesn’t suit me. i don’t do sadness. haha. not even a little bit. just don’t need it in my life.  that’s all i’ve got for you on this day. better news soon to come!

well, well, well. hal did her annual blog-down, and i for one, did like it, but thought it might be silly to comment on it as i watched her compose and contributed to said blog.  so there, ms sensitive. hahaha. anyhow, i digress. what i wanted to say was that i decided to do my own year-end run-down, but i’m a monstrous nerd, so i’m just gonna tell you about all the books i read.  too lame for words? deal with it!

• Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant- Anne Tyler (sooo good!)
• The Graveyard Book- Neil Gaiman (delightful, as always)
• Twilight (and the other 3. i don’t wanna talk about it)- Stephanie Meyer (really catchy)
• The Neverending Story- Michael Ende (did NOT know it was a book!)
• The Penderwicks- Jeanne Birdsall
• The Mysterious Benedict Society- Trenton Lee Stewart
• The Raw Shark Texts- Steven Hall (blew. my. mind.)
• The Bastard of Istanbul- Elif Shafak (gorgeous AND informative)
• Fairest- Gail Carson Levine (who doesn’t like to visit their friends??)
• Who by Fire- Diana Spechler (i loooved her characters)
•  The Brooklyn Follies- Paul Auster (couldn’t stop reading it)
• The Yiddish Policeman’s Union- Michael Chabon (this book was awesome and made me fall in love w/Chabon)
• The Eragon Series- Christopher Paolini (Nate talked me into it. not bad)
• The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay- Michael Chabon (brilliant!)
• Anansi Boys- Neil Gaiman (doesn’t get funnier!)
• Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close- Jonathan Safran Foer (heartbreaking and wonderful)
• What-The-Dickens: The Story of a Rogue Tooth Fairy-Gregory Maguire (really, really funny!)
• His Dark Materials Series- Philip Pullman (really engrossing)
• Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch- Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman (couldn’t stop laughing)

That’s about all that i can recall, but i’ll keep you posted. haha

what’s up, new year??

haven’t gotten up to too many crazy antics just yet.  my new years was beyond boring, i mean, i really pushed the envelope with it.  got home from work around 11, ordered a pizza, watched part of a movie, talked to nate at midnight, then promptly fell asleep. because i party hard.  you know how i do.

one weird thing, i did kiss a just-a-friend last week.  that was strange. now i’m not entirely sure where we stand, or how i should feel about it.  it’d be easier if i knew what i want. alas. o, well, i mean, eventually i’ll figure it out, right? 10, or 15 years down the road? hahaha. nothin but time to burn, anyway.

i had a really good talk w/hal the other day. i’ve begun to really start trying to decide on my living situation for the fall. should be interesting.  i am , and this is gonna freak some of you out, so go ahead and grab onto something, have the defibrillator ready.  you good? ok. i am actually making friends. maybe.  and they aren’t even people i just sorta knew in high school! radical, right?? hal’s roommie is really neat, and his girlfriend is frackin cool, so yea.

rach and lj came to visit for a day last weekend, too.  it should have been fun, but was instead only supremely uncomfortable.  i never know what to do with myself while my couple-style friends bicker.  ugh ugh ugh.

in other news, it is currently obscenely  cold here in L’ames, and i have officially reached the end of my patience with winter for the season, and in record time, no less!  bring on the spring! (and you know it’s serious when I am saying that. cause there are few things i hate more than wet-cold)

kay, bye! See ya, love ya!

i should just come to terms with the fact that i am a very negligent blogger and quit using an observation of this fact as my opening segue for these updates, but we all know that isn’t going to happen.  deal with it.

anyhoo, news! christmas was pretty much perfect.  nate came home for a week and hal and i got off 10 days to go to the ‘port and it’s been fairly wonderful thus far.  i’m ridiculously pleased to be home.  got to see the cousins i like and make fun of the one i don’t. saw the new will smith movie (good, but very upsetting), got a raft of new trivia books to keep me up to my nose in facts for awhile, the ‘rents obviously miss me when i’m gone because they have been absurdly nice and welcoming and i am still giddy every time i realize that we get to be adult friends now (i don’t know about anyone else, but it’s been the best affirmation of my life as of yet to have become the type of person that they want to be friends with) and i am always blown away by how much nate grows and matures and stays the same.  i’m blessed to have ended up able to be best friends with my brother, and i know it and i’m glad. (all of this being a monstrous understatement, btw) 

looks like i’m only capable of lists today, so here we go.  What i’m psyched about at this very moment:

• all the crap i bought on itunes
• football w/my dad today
• spring awakening w/hal next month
• new cell phone, soon to have a twin!
• work w/wendy tomorrow
• being home!!!
• playing with hugo
• playing with bee
• having real face-time to talk to my mom

that’s all i can think of. later, gators!

You there! reading this! Hello!

what is up, interwebbers? i can’t sleep, so i thought maybe prattling on about my non-existent doings would induce some somnia. we shall see.

where to begin? last week was so extreme!  the show on wed was unbelievable.  i really cannot believe it. everyone was so on, and the venue was truly great (people’s in des moines: if you get a chance to go, do it! great acoustics and just intimate enough and it had that ‘look’, too)  we missed the walk cause the fools switched it to the Drake campus, but in our attempt to get there, we saw a guy in a Guy Fawkes mask, and consequently invented the historical douche, so not a total wash.  we ended up being right up on the stage without having to wait ALL day in line, and had a great view (”6 feet from the most dangerous pelvis in the nation” ) and Taylor made a lot of eye contact (knee-melting, paralyzing) and then actually laughed at hal and i to our faces when we started cutting loose and cribbing chelsea’s dance moves  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMdWqaN_Tms) !!  Everybody Else rocked the house, played at least 7 songs, Matt Wertz was wonderful and completely endearing and the king of shinfo.  I ‘that’s what she said’ed him. he laughed.  then hanson came out and freaking played a 2 hour set.  and all three of the guys enjoyed themselves! (william and demetrius always seem to, so that goes without saying) and in the end, dannie and hal and i were so thirsty that we each downed a liter of water and were not entirely sated, so that is the best indicator i can give as to how hard we rocked out.  glorious.

then friday morn, we packed up and picked up jenna and her friend april and headed to wichita to sell merch for EBE and get into the show. . . FO FREE! it was an experience.  6 hour road trip through previously unexplored area with 2 girls we hardly knew.  i’d say it was successful.  got there in plenty of time for the walk, which was on campus @ Wichita State University (HOME OF THE SHOCKERS!!!!) and the walk was fairly huge, lots of people, 2 miles instead of the customary 1, and, as always, i was really moved and re-inspired by the idea that just doing little things, just doing what you can, just helping one person is more than just significant and worthwhile: it is everything! (i won’t preach tonight, but know that i could! you’ve been warned!)  then we got to the venue, after being minor-league lost (i do not recommend visiting wichita: very poorly laid-out city.  we unanimously hated it and most of Kansas, as well.  Nothing to look at and not near enough grass or trees) the Cotillion was neat. perfectly round, good acoustics, really delightful security guards.  it was fun to sell stuff for the band.  it was so easy to talk them up, to want to make them money. it was a weird feeling, but still good. yea, still good.  then some hotel-related drama and coma-sleeping and  driving back home.

this week was long and pretty uneventful (especially in comparison)  worked every night.  balls.

Dannie’s niece was finally born this afternoon: Shelby Lynn.  healthy and properly sized.  all the correct accouterments.  Most excellent.

O! Michael Crichton died a week ago tuesday.  i am sad. i read lots of his books.  fast-paced, sharp, funny. he carried the scientific possibilities to the edge and made you wonder.  i often caught myself trying to decide if it was all an elaborate joke at my expense (not mine personally, you understand, but as the reader) and i loved it. i so admired him.  i will miss what he didn’t get to write for me.  i think that’s as nice a sentiment as an author can ask for, right? In solidarity, hannah and i watched ER tonight.

ok, i think i’m done. if you’ve made it through this marathon update, leave me a comment! (maybe your thoughts on this layout, even??)

whoaaaa! i have been very negligent in my blogging! shit, son. sorry, dudes.

you missed all of october.  nothing much, there, but you did miss it.  let me explain. no, there’s too much. let me sum up. (hahahaha) My birthday came and went.  i got a sweet bracelet and a visit from my parents!!  we had some mediocre mexican food and there were balloons involved. mostly i was unreasonably happy to see them.

i saw hanson and maggy all in the same weekend, so that was pretty spectactular.

i got karma-sick.

I also got to see the sixers when they came to ames, which was glorious, and everything i dreamed.

still doing a lot of growing up.  learning to kick the self-destructive friend-choosing habit and sticking to it (difficult, but a skill worth having, imagine that)

this week i’m going to two shows, one of which will involve a mini-road trip with 2 practically-strangers, so all in all, i’m anxious and excited and well-pleased.

voting this tuesday!!  all of the cool kids are doing it, and an overwhelming majority of the unforgivably dorky ones, too, so just do it! do your research and do your part, you douche-rockets.  you get a sticker and a free cup of starbucks coffee (in a convincing, sing-songy voice)

what’s up, guys? long time no update! i’ve been bad. sorry.

anyhoo- not too much actual-factual action has happened, so you didn’t miss too much, really.  i dyed my hair red.  i helped pull a funny prank and hatch a hilarious one.  mostly my events have been pretty internal.  i’m really settling down here in ames and i’m happier than i have been in quite some time.  obviously, i miss nate and my parents and my dog and my cousins. . .  the list could go on, but i’m no longer so homesick that my stomach is knotted all the time.  and i’m finding my footing.  after 2 and 1/2 years of pretty much being stagnant, i finally feel as though i have begun to move again, and i’m surprised to find that it’s the biggest relief to do so, despite the inherent terror involved in taking risks and breaking out a bit.  that’s not to say that i’ve abandoned all help and crutches, just that i finally want to get the ball rolling.  i’m gaining fresh perspective on nearly every aspect of my life and i feel better and smarter and older for it.  i stopped making decisions for myself, and it wasn’t so much out of a selfless drive to help everyone else, although i always want to do too much for the people i love, and i can see now that it’s probably to their detriment if i help too much, but really, i was doing it, at least in part, because it meant that i did not have to navigate my way into adulthood just yet.  i don’t regret anything, but i am able to recognise that a big part of why i was so unhappy in davenport was that i was so frackin ready.  it was time and i was doing everything to come up with ways to not have to do it.  (which, side note, is very strange: why would i avoid something which, besides being necessary, was something i obviously wanted??) anyhow, it makes it easier to understand why my parents behaved the way they did (i had actually deluded myself into believing that they were pushing me and unhappy with my choices because of what they wanted me to be, not that it hurt them to watch me chose things that they could see would be wrong for me, and would hinder my becoming what and who i should be! what an ungrateful brat!)  

so, i’m feeling pretty enlightened, here, friends.  thoughts? comments??